Thorn in the Flesh

The past few weeks have been hectic.

Students’ piano exams, accompanying several violinists for their music exams, meetings in church, different ministry engagements as well as juggling teaching and family commitments.

My BSF homework sheet is on my bed pleading with me for attention and I’ve got questions from my OT survey to complete by Saturday.

But my heart is full and I need to write.

I want to open a part of my heart to you, dear readers, in a way I have not done before.

It is to my own risk I bare my soul to you.

But if this could be of any encouragement to someone sharing the struggles as I do, then my struggle and fight for freedom will be more than worth the risk of shame or embarrassment.

I have struggled with the monster of insecurity for a very long time.

Being “not pretty enough” was one tough demon to fight since my teenage years and still is, though the Lord is slowly bringing me to a place of learning what it means to be beautiful in Him, which essentially translates to being more outward focused than inward focused.

Being “good enough” – ha! Don’t get me there! Feeling inadequate cripples me from doing the things I could do for others because I focus on all that I fail to do. I can’t say anything right, I mess up in my relationships, I’m clumsy, I’m forgetful, I am not smart enough, if only I could learn as fast as {insert name here}, why can’t I be as patient/forgiving/wise/selfless like {insert name here}… and the self-abuse and inner-bashing goes on and on.

I am close to tears as I write this.

It is in a broken and humbled state that I write.

Broken because I see how helpless I am to break free from this demon.

I know I must face it and fight it squarely in the face, God is with me, He is for me, and He will help me. 

I have to stop looking to men, mere mortals who cannot ever ease this pain nor bring the assurance and comfort I need.

And I am slowly getting there, being secure and content simply by knowing I am a child of God, bought with His precious blood and destined for greater works beyond what I dream for myself.

Have you ever realised that beneath the insecurity of a person lies another monster called pride?

Why do I need to be “good enough” anyway?

Why do I feel that I need to “measure up”? Who is making the comparison?

It’s Rachel’s selfish heart!

No, it isn’t the mirror that tells Rachel that she’s flabby or ugly. It’s her heart!

Instead of listening to what God has to say to her, she allows what the media deems as beauty to control her thoughts and beliefs about herself.

O wretched woman that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? (Romans 7:24) 

I so desperately want to be free, to be all that He wants me to be and all that He has made me to be.

Mama once wrote, “All God’s soldiers have their own demons to fight. He makes us conquerors, how then can we conquer if there be no battles? Are the battles too long & too hard? The sweeter & more precious when the victory comes.”

I also believe that this may be a constant thorn in my life, to cause me to throw myself into the arms of the One who hung on the cross to redeem me.

This thorn is His loving reminder to me to enter into His strength.

Anything that makes me throw myself into His arms is a good thing.

I was asked to share in the Christian Fellowship of a secondary school for the second time this month, the first being last week.

In the first meeting, I gave my testimony about how God led me to repentance when I finally surrendered my life to God at age 18 and also shared about His grace and goodness throughout the past two years of my illness.

Knowing that I would have to share again the following week, I prayed and asked God to give me a word that would minister to the girls’ needs.

What do these girls need to hear, Lord?

Yesterday, the word came.

Insecurity 

Many times, we think that we minister best from our strengths.

God works differently.

He wants us to minister from our brokenness and weaknesses, failings even, that His grace and mercy may be displayed.

Ministering is never about us. It’s not about our words, eloquence, presentation skills or knowledge.

And so, I had to speak.

Truthfully.

I spoke about my struggles, where I was 10 years back and how I am now today as a grown woman.

I saw the recognition in their eyes. And I am grateful.

It is going to be through the broken fragments of our life that others are going to be fed.

Broken bread, wine spilled out of the crevices of our heart.

And today, I cry, save me from myself.

I want to be that kind of woman, so that in turn one day, I can lead other women to be that kind of woman.

I want to be that kind of woman, so that in turn one day, I can lead other women to be that kind of woman.


So grateful for the opportunity to connect with these precious girls!

So grateful for the opportunity to connect with these precious girls!


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