It Should Not Have Been Me

It should not have been me.

I have all the reasons why:

– a 6.5 month postpartum body isn’t the ideal home for a new seed to grow.

– I’ve just recovered from a Caesarean section, postpartum depression and postpartum weight! 😅

– my now 8 month old son is at a stage where he’s eager to learn, active and isn’t keen on staying still or taking regular or long naps during the day. It’s hard to care for him while having morning sickness, dizziness, nausea and vomitting and oh, those tummy aches! Na-ah!

– we are just at the end of our somewhat furlough and transitional period, and pow-pow, suddenly we are thrown aback by this surprise. We didn’t have this in our equation or plan.

– I’ve been warned by the doctors to not be pregnant for at least 2 years because I have SLE.

All my reasons could go on, and on and on…

You know them all.

And yet You still chose me.

There are so many women wanting to be in my position. They seem to be so much more ready, qualified, and so much more adequate than I. It almost feels like a cruel joke, when one gift is denied to a person who desperately longs for it and instead, lavished on someone else who did not ask for it nor is grateful about it.

And yet…

Deep in my heart…

I know You are weaving a beautiful, sacred gift and You have honoured me to be the vessel to bring forth this precious one into the world.

I can’t imagine the plans the Lord has for you, and how you will be such a wonderful addition to our family of three.

Little One, you are given by God.

You are loved, you are precious, and you are God’s blessing to mummy, daddy and your koko David.

Love you, little one. ❤


Mummy Reflections 

Was just chatting with my mother this evening about how depressed I was in the first two months of motherhood. It felt like my life was over for real! I couldn’t eat, bathe, sleep or go out for errands in peace! 😂

I didn’t feel good – I was tired all the time, I was struggling to produce sufficient milk for my baby and I had tremendous aches and pains in my body. I often struggled with panic attacks in the middle of the night which would lead to breathlessness, nausea and gastritis. 

I didn’t look good – I still looked pregnant even after 3 months postpartum. Even now at 5 months postpartum, I still have a slight pooch. But it was tough then, to be reminded by some people that I was fat.  🤣 nevertheless, it gave me some perspective to how overweight people might feel about themselves since I’ve been scrawny all my life.

I feel so much more settled and at peace as a mother now. I’m so thankful that David is growing well overall though we still do have hiccups along the way. 

Talking to a friend who just gave birth less than a month ago made me recollect back my earlier months as a newbie mummy and I  realise again how important it is to be there for your friend, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law etc when they have just had a baby. With hormones going out of whack and the tremendous emotional and physical upheaval that pregnancy and childbirth brings to a woman, she just needs encouragement, love and support.

For me, I’m so thankful when I recall the different women who have encouraged me by their words of assurance. They humbly shared with me their challenges and struggles in the past too, and that made me feel less of a failure while comforting me that baby, daddy and I would get through that phase. 

Some things I especially appreciated during those moments

1. Food delivery by my mother and mother-in-law –  that helped tremendously since we did not employ a confinement lady or help with the baby. 

2. Text messages from mums near n far to check on me, while offering advice when necessary. 😆

3. A very very supportive, loving husband who assured me when I felt fat, ugly, hormonal…  (you get my drift). He was my anchor during the lonely nights when baby was difficult or when I was unwell. For this, I will always be grateful.

4. An aunty who would always drop by with whatever I needed. You name it, she had it. 😀 just having that person whom you feel comfortable enough to ask for help means a lot. 

5. Kind nurses from the Klinik Kesihatan who came to check on me the first month post delivery.

6. People who went out of their way to be a blessing to us, special shout out to my brother Sam who was our runner boy for the time he was here in penang ❤ also friends and relatives who went through the trouble of helping us get used/new clothing, baby paraphernalia, etc… 

It truly does take a village to raise a child! 

Looking back, I am grateful I went through the challenges I did, so that I can be hopefully, a more understanding person to all the women in my life who have become mothers. It also makes me respect and love my mother more deeply for all the sacrifices she has made for me and for my family. (she had 4 Csecs okay, don’t play play) 

So go show the new mummies and daddies you know some love – I am sure it will be appreciated and remembered. 

His Word Comforts 

Psalm 27 has always been a familiar Psalm for both Nick and I. But it has not ministered to me in such a way as it did this morning.

It was kind of coincidental actually, to be reading this Psalm. But our loving God has His ways of reaching out to us in our despondency and sadness. 

It was actually my beloved son that inspired me to turn to this Psalm as we had our morning routine of Sunday school songs and Bible stories together, our special mother and son bonding time everyday. Since it was the 27th of the month, I decided to read to him the 27th Psalm. As I read, I felt tears falling freely from my eyes. Every verse just seemed to jump out from the Bible and I felt the loving and assuring hug of God through His promises.

When I first started this blog, it was mainly for me to chronicle my journey through heartbreak and illness, and to remind myself of God’s faithfulness and grace through the difficult seasons in my life. 

But over the years, even as my blog has gained steady followers and readers from near and far, I’ve found it harder to write from my heart as I was afraid to be ‘venting’ instead of expressing, and complaining instead of inspiring. 

But I am reminded today that this is no smooth and perfect journey, I am just a sojourner in this life. 
I pray that as you read this blog, you will not only catch or see the struggles and challenges I go through, but see the hand of God and His grace in my life. 

Reflections of a Rookie Parent 

1. You are never the same, ever again. Even if people have told you that in the past, it never quite sinks in till it happens to you. 

2. Baby’s sleeping time is a precious commodity. Treasure and use it wisely. 

3. I have never felt this helpless before, especially in the first few weeks of navigating through understanding baby’s cry. (its not always as simple as checking for feeding, soiled diapers, colic or baby’s  temperature. It could be many other things. Humans are complex creatures. Let us not forget that.) 

4. There will be many opinions pushed upon you. But ultimately, you learn by trial and error what works for baby, and yourself. Just as we are all different in temperaments and needs, so is every child. 

5. Working together as a team with your spouse in caring for the baby strengthens you not only physically, but also emotionally. Laughing together when baby does his projectile poop and pee makes cleaning up more bearable. Going through sleepless nights with bleary eyes. Figuring out baby’s needs when he is upset. So grateful for an incredibly supportive husband and super hands-on dad. 

6. You will somehow feel a greater closeness with other mothers like never before. So grateful for mummy friends who uplift and encourage (that includes some of our daddy friends too!). Whether it is checking on baby products or ways to handle a diaper rash, they are able to offer tips that they have tried with their own children. 

7. Every mother especially I think, will feel inundated by guilt (not making enough milk, not spending enough time with baby, doing too much, doing too little. It can be anything!) So please, please, try to be as encouraging as you can. It is very daunting to be a first time mother. Every eye is on you, watching, and you fear that they are silently judging you too. (boo hoo hoo!) 

8. That being said, you have to be patient first with yourself, patient with your baby and patient with the people around you. Hehe! 

9. There is no perfect parent. We just learn to be less imperfect parents. Ha ha! 

10. We learn about God’s love for us. How He loves us tenderly, faithfully and unconditionally. Nothing can make Him love us more or less. We can rest in the knowledge of His unchanging character. 

Well, here are just some musings as I pump and make fruitful use of baby David’s sleeping time! 

Thoughts on Injustice

It will always seem as though the good guy finishes last, and that there is no justice on earth. 

But I know the God who is the avenger of the weak, the meek, and the helpless who cannot speak for themselves… 

It is a far more terrifying thing to mistreat that sort of people, for behind them is the God of wrath and justice, the Father of the fatherless, the refuge to the lowly, the Word that promises this – 

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

Romans 12:19 ESV

It may seem like a never ending battle on this side of eternity. Turning the other cheek, not returning evil for evil, and the need for unending patience, hope and perseverance. 

But He is faithful, He will help His remnant endure until the end. 

{especially remembering those who have to live under seeming injustice & unfairness in this lifetime} 

​To say that ‘Jesus is the reason we celebrate’ goes further than ‘Hooray, we wine, dine & celebrate because it’s Jesus’s birthday!’ to 
He is the reason we want many more to come to that joy of knowing and loving Him. 
To truly celebrate {and treasure} Jesus requires more than a metaphorical birthday cake and the blowing of candles.
It is remembering the reason to why He came and aspiring to do as He did.


Christmas – Jesus is the reason we celebrate. So what’s next? 

We have parties, we celebrate. 

We post photos of clinking wine glasses, glittery tinsel and bountiful spreads of food surrounded by friend and kin. 

But why did Jesus come? 

So we could have another reason to party, shop for new clothes and have a good time? 

I hope we all (including me) truly learn to embrace the true spirit of Christmas by emulating the Man who is the reason for Christmas. 

Here’s a reflective poem my dear husband wrote many years ago on Christmas day. 

Like the sand, they spread across the beach

Twas’ the night before Christmas, the crowds gathered for

Some choose to spend it with friends

Some with loved ones

All are looking for something to do on Christmas day
Amidst the joyous echoes of Christmas carols

Empty heart are crying out

Eager eyes, look toward the sky,

Looking for hope,

Looking for something to do on Christmas Day
Many do not know, the man that was born this day

Many do not know, the sacrifice he made

Many do not know, the story of love, the story of the cross

Many are just searching for something to do on Christmas
As the clock ticked pass midnight, the crowd began to cheer

Joyous celebration of a day they did not know

Would they still shout, would they still sing

If they knew what they were celebrating for

Or are they just here because they have nothing better to do on Christmas Day
Many do not know, the man that was born this day

Many do not know, the sacrifice he made

Many do not know, the story of love, the story of the cross

Many are just searching for something to do on Christmas
Who will tell them about the Christ in Christmas?

For there is no Christmas, without Christ

And the many can stop searching for something to do on Christmas

Because it would just be another day without Christ

His Approval

Feelings of inadequacy & ‘unusefulness’ have been my common enemy here on the mission field. I am not physically strong, do not appreciate being under the hot sun & am simply not the go-girl kind who lives on adventure and change. I value family life and it’s strong traditions and thrive on constancy. With all those pulled away from under my feet, I often feel out of place, trying to find a constant and steadying place to find my balance. 

Recently, I was surprised with some very precious gifts from our dear Dayak friends and team members on my birthday. I did not expect anything, as usually, the person with the birthday is in fact, expected to throw the celebration if he so wished & come out with all the provisions needed for it.

So when Hengki and susi came bearing sweet home-made gifts and letters, I was touched deeply. The letters were simple and heartfelt and reflected humility and gratitude that blessed me . I am grateful for their love & acceptance of who I am, especially when I know that my flaws would be more evident to them as we work closely together as a team. I felt the love and respect they had for us expressed through  every word. God certainly used those letters to encourage and speak to my heart. 

Recently the Lord has been teaching me to yield my need for approval and recognition and to instead be seeking to please Him above all else. Why has it taken me so long to learn? It’s a wonderful thing to want to be the kind of wife and friend that seeks to make others happy and feel good about themselves but it also has the ugly and dangerous tendency of becoming an idol when I become more concerned about their opinions and feelings about me more than anything else. 

Teach me to be a woman of God who is strong and courageous . Let me be a woman who fears God and stands sure in confidence knowing that she has found favour in His sight. 

This is the woman I want to be.